


When

by dsa_archivist



Category: due South
Genre: Challenge Response, Episode Related, M/M, Romance, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1999-10-21
Updated: 1999-10-21
Packaged: 2018-11-10 06:49:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,250
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11122035
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dsa_archivist/pseuds/dsa_archivist
Summary: An Answer to the 'Missing Scene from Call of the Wild' challenge.





	When

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Speranza, the archivist: this story was once archived at [Due South Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Due_South_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Due South Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/duesoutharchive).

When

 

 

This story is my admittedly belated answer to the Serge list 'missing  
scene from CotW' challenge. Sorry it took so long, but RL has been hell  
in a handcart lately...  
  
Disclaimers: Alliance owns 'em, at least they think they do, and far  
be it from me to enlighten them otherwise :P I don't recieve any profit  
from this other then my drug of choice, Feedback.  
  
Pairings and Ratings: BF/SRK - R, mostly for language, but also slashy  
intent. If M/M interaction, or Mounties and Chicago Flatfeet bother you,  
you may want to take a pass on this one.  
  
Archiving and Distribution: Serge, Hexwood, and I'm not on Dief, only  
DSX, so if anyone wants to forward this to Dief (Where it belongs, being  
R?) feel free, just let me know. Other lists/archives: No please.  
  
Feedback to:... Feedback is my drug of choice. All  
flames will be used for toasting marshmellows :P  
  
Thank You Kindly to: Kellie Matthews, Audra Macmann and Betty Burch for  
the quick and wonderful beta's.  
  
  
 ****

When  
 _by Andre_  


  
When did you become everything to me, Fraser? Sometimes I can't figure  
it out. I mean, I can sit here and think about it for hours and I still  
can't figure it out. Beats sitting here thinking about how cold and empty  
I am. About how empty the rest of my life is going to be.

Sometimes I think it was that first day I met you. I was nervous, a lot  
more nervous then I ever let on. I had to get the attitude working from  
the second I heard your voice calling my... well, Vecchio's name. I turned  
around and it was like someone dropped a 300 lb. weight on my chest.  
Took me a minute just to be able to breathe, cause all I could think  
was that you were so damn beautiful you could not, just *could* not be  
real. Then I hugged you, and I knew you were real. Not just real, but  
solid. The most beautiful thing I had ever laid eyes on, male or female.

You tried so hard to prove I wasn't Vecchio. I wish I could have said  
something to you, but I was being a good little soldier, following orders.  
My orders were to keep my mouth shut. God, I wanted to tell you, Frayzh.  
And then you asked me to dinner. Maybe that's when I was lost. You were  
so casual about it, but I could tell. Could tell there wasn't *anything*  
casual about it. I said yes. Like there was *any* other answer I could  
give.  
Sometimes I think it was in that crypt. God, I'd been so low,  
for so long. Somehow you just took all that away. Redefined me. Gave  
me whole new reasons to do what I'm doing. At first I tried to play shocked  
that you would go over to my place and snoop around, had to. I couldn't  
just blurt out how much it excited me to know you were snooping around  
in my life. Didn't want you to know I *wanted* you snooping around in  
my life. But I did. I was getting hooked. Too hooked. I even let it slip.  
Asked you if you thought I was attractive. Je-sus Kowalski, just blurt  
it out that you've got the hots for him, why don't you? In public no  
less!

See, that's the kind of thing you do to me. You make me forget everything.  
Who I am. Who you are. What we are. Where we are. You make me want to  
just drag you off into a dark corner somewhere and never come out again.  
I swear, Fraser, if I ever got myself wrapped around you, I would *never*  
let go. Would be just you and me, forever.

All the things you've done for me. Can't get them out of my head. You  
always save me from myself. I was a shit to you on that Henry Anderson,  
and you just took it. Well okay, you fought back, and that thrilled me  
too. Cause it was the first damn time you ever showed me all of yourself.  
Showed me that you weren't perfect 24/7. I don't think I could have taken  
that transfer, for all that I said I was going to. I was trying to convince  
myself. Trying to get away from you before it got to the point that I  
couldn't live without you. I think it was already too late though.

Then you kissed me. Okay, all right, so to *you* it was just sharing  
air. To me it was a kiss. You saved my life, and made me want you that  
much more all in one crazy moment, when all I should be able to remember  
is that I was dying. Instead all I remember is the feel of your lips  
over mine. You said you weren't excited. But I was.

Maybe it was when that schmuck had you and Quinn in that warehouse. I  
thought I was going to lose you. Welsh, Huey and Dewey weren't helping  
things either. Wanted me to wait for the S.W.A.T. team. Like Hell! I  
heard that gun go off, and all I could think is maybe I lost you. I had  
to know. I didn't care if I got myself killed, I jumped on that bike  
and went through the window anyway. I swear, my heart nearly exploded  
when I saw that you were still with me. Still alive. I think at that  
moment, I realized that if I lost you, I would lose myself. Wouldn't  
want to even be alive without you. It scared the shit out of me.

You put up with me at my worst, and still don't walk away. Even when  
I'm hurting you. I was so scared of what I was feeling for you, I threw  
myself at Luanne Russell. You just waited. Like you knew I was going  
to screw things up and come back to you. I think I *wanted* to screw  
things up with her, because it wasn't really *her* I wanted. In the end  
you were still there, by my side. I think that's when I started wondering  
just *what* I did to deserve someone like you.

You've saved me in so many ways. Saved my soul and my conscience. I don't  
know how I would have lived with myself if Beth Botrelle had died. It  
was you, just like every other time. You, getting me to think. You, getting  
me to question and find out the real truth. And we did. Even though I  
can't give her back those eight years, at least, because of you, I was  
able to give her back her life.

I knew when Maggie showed up, you were attracted to her. It almost killed  
me. Somehow, in my heart, a part of me deluded myself into thinking I  
had a chance with you. Then you saw her. I'd never seen you actually  
*interested* in a woman before. I almost didn't know what to make of  
it. It hurt. It was like an unwanted wake-up call that said "Ray,  
I'm not interested in you." I wanted to crawl in a hole somewhere,  
and never come out again. I'm a guy, so I had to compete. I was a fool.

Then *he* showed up. Put a wrench in all the works. I didn't want to  
admit it, but I *liked* being Vecchio. Being him meant being with *you*,  
and you were the one part of this undercover job I *didn't* want to lose.  
And now? Now I figure you'll want to partner back up with him. Even said  
as much to you around the fire, before the Ice Queen showed up. I wanted  
to know what you were going to say, but everything hit the fan. So I  
sit here and I wait, while you hand in Muldoon, and finish all your reports  
about what happened up here.

I sit here. Cold. Alone. Waiting for the final blow. Waiting for you  
to tell me it's over, and that you're going back to partner with Vecchio.  
I think I'll just sit here in this tent until I freeze to death or wither  
away, because I can't *live* without you, Fraser. Even if *you* don't  
know that, I do.

You look so odd as you come into the small, dark tent. I can see a part  
of you is happy, and yet I can also see something else. Like you're contemplating  
something. I wonder, now, just what happened down in that mine, and if  
it has anything to do with that crazy Mountie I *thought* I saw on the  
side of that mountain we were climbing. The one I thought I heard. Nah....  
had to be the hypothermia, it's not like there would be *another* Mountie  
happening to be climbing up the side of some isolated mountain out in  
frozen where-the-fuck.

You get that expression on your face that tells me that you're about  
to launch into a longwinded speech, and I brace myself. I know my soul  
is about to get torn out. I'll deal, somehow. I think.

"Ray, we need to talk." Your voice is oddly quiet. Softer then  
usual. Can't tell if that's good or bad.

"Look, look, I know Frayzh, when we get back, yer gonna partner  
back up with the real Vecchio. I respect that. You two was partners long  
before my sorry ass showed up." Somehow I keep my 'attitude' as  
I say this, trying to hide my feelings as my heart gets taken to pieces,  
slice by tiny slice.

"Ray, ...I." You crack your neck, and then I *know* I'm in  
trouble, and that I'm right, because you only do that neck thing when  
you're nervous, or have to do something you don't want to do. You pause,  
then start again. "I believe you are laboring under a misconception,  
Ray."

"Huh?" Great, slice my heart to pieces *and* use big words  
to make the whole process even harder for my already overloaded brain  
to process. "Speak English here, Frayzh."

"I... That is... Well, I'm not going back to Chicago." And  
there it is, undeniable and out.. and *what*?

"What?" Did I hear that right? "What did you say?"  
Aren't we sounding intelligent today, Kowalski.

"I... Ray, I can't." You sound almost defeated. Never heard  
you sound like that before. "This is my home. Where I belong."  
You look straight down at the ground, not wanting to meet my eyes. I  
can *so* understand that. Then it really dawns on me. You aren't *leaving*  
me. Well you are, but you aren't. Don't think I haven't missed how different  
you are here. How in your element you are.

"So what you said, by the fire. What ya meant was that you'n me'd  
be partners even if ya stayed up here in the frozen North?" I just  
have to be clear on this. I *need* to be clear on this.

"Yes, Ray. That is what I meant." You look so sad. I don't  
get it. This is your home, you're staying. I'm the one losing *you*,  
so why are you so unhappy about staying where you belong?

Then it hits me. Oh. Ooooh. Could it be that? Could it be that you don't  
want to give me up, anymore then I want to give *you* up? Well at this  
point, keeping my cards close to the vest and bluffing isn't going to  
do either of us any good. Even if you don't like what I have to say,  
what will it matter anyway, you'll be here, and I'll just be....

"Fraser?"

"Yes, Ray?" God when you looked at me just now, the sadness,  
the *loneliness* in your eyes scares me. Can you see that when you look  
into my eyes?

"What if I don't wanna go back either?" There, I said it. It's  
finally out after two years. Now what are you going to do about it, Frayzh?

"Well I can arrange a flight for you as soon as..." You stop  
mid-sentence. Shut your mouth then open it again. Then I see something  
crazy in your eyes, and I start to wonder.

"I don't wanna know about the flights, Frayzh, I wanna know 'bout  
stayin'."

"Staying here? With me?" My God, I've never seen you look like  
that before. Like someone plugged you into a socket and you're starting  
to glow from head to foot.

"Ain't that what I just said, Frazyh?"

"Why?" One word. So many questions you're asking me with that  
one little word.

"Why?" I sound like an echo. I don't have any answers. At least  
not any that I can force out of my throat, so I stand up. I'm going to  
give you your answers, and get my own, all at the same time.

I move close to you, run the back of one hand across your cheek. It's  
now or never. All or nothing. "Because..." I hope I'm not seeing  
things, cause I could swear you are leaning towards me, just the tiniest  
bit.

"Yes, Ray. Why?"

The only answer I give you, is to lean in and cover your lips with mine.  
Feel you press into me. Feel your mouth opening, and God, feel your tongue  
sliding into my mouth. Feel you touch my soul while you kiss me back.  
I'm lost.

When did you become everything to me, Fraser? You always were. Always  
have been. Always will be.

Forever.

-fin-  



End file.
